Sade's Secret Read online




  SADE'S SECRET

  A SWEET 16 DIARIES NOVEL

  BY

  SPARKLE

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  First, I would like to thank God for not only the blessings, but also for the lessons as I continuously strive to be a better person. I would like to thank my loving parents for the things they taught me and my two brothers. Although our paths went in different directions, you laid a solid foundation and for that, I'm thankful.

  Thank you Wahida Clark for being a beacon of light in the publishing industry and open to sharing your knowledge with others. Thank you for this opportunity and I will forever be grateful. To the best agent in the whole wide world, Dr. Maxine Thompson. Thanks for sticking with me through thick and thin. To Andrew, thanks to you, I know what “real” love is. For all of my literary divas and gents who are on this daily grind, see you in the trenches. A special shout out to everyone in All4One on Facebook.

  Last, but not least, this book is dedicated to those who feel like they have no voice. You are not alone. Someone does care. Don't allow a negative situation to kill your dreams. There's someone out here cheering for you.

  -Sparkle

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and

  incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination

  or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual

  persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or

  locales is entirely coincidental.

  Wahida Clark Presents Young Adult

  60 Evergreen Place

  Suite 904

  East Orange, New Jersey 07018

  973-678-9982

  www.wclarkpublishing.com

  www.wcpyoungadult.com

  Copyright 2012 © by Sparkle

  All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be

  reproduced in any form without permission.

  Sade’s Secret

  ISBN 13-digit 978-1936649433

  ISBN 10-digit 1936649438

  Library of Congress Catalog Number 2012905457

  1. Young Adult, Contemporary, Urban Fiction,

  African American, – Fiction

  Cover design by Nuance Art.*.

  [email protected]

  Interior book design by Nuance Art

  [email protected]

  Printed in United States

  Green & Company Printing and Publishing, LLC

  www.greenandcompany.biz

  REVIEW

  Sparkle took me on an emotional ride within Sade’s Secret. If I could have killed or maimed a person or two, I would have. The main subject matter was very strong and at times upsetting. Sade and Joyce’s story provided a glimpse into the life of a mother depending on a man to provide her with all the love she needs, while sacrificing the sacred bond between a mother and her daughter. I recommend Sade’s Secret to readers of family drama and mother-daughter relationships.

  Jennifer Coissiere

  Words Mosaic Review

  ~1~

  SADE

  Calvin, I need a hundred dollars to pay my dance fees.” I said dressed in my black and

  white school uniform. I stood in the doorway to my mom and Calvin's bedroom with my hands on my hip.

  With his disgusting crooked smile, he laid across the queen-sized bed and said, “Sade, call me daddy, and I'll think about giving it to you.”

  “What do you mean think about it? You told me last night that if I did what you wanted, you would give me the money this morning. I was supposed to have it last week, but mama don’t get paid until Friday.” I snapped throwing my long micro-braids behind my shoulder with attitude. Calvin was really pissing me off.

  Since Calvin wanted to act like he was a pimp, he needed to pay up. “You're just like your mama, always got your hand out. You better be glad I'm a man of my word.” Calvin rolled out of bed not bothering to cover up his tall muscular naked body.

  Seeing Calvin naked wasn't anything new to me. I'd seen his peanut butter complexion more than I care to mention. Thinking about it, I couldn’t remember why the smell or sight of the sticky paste that many people loved made me sick to my stomach…until now. I hated the fact that my mom had given him so much control over our household and it's been like that for the last five years. Although it took me awhile, I learned that since he was using my body for sex, I would use him for cash or other things I needed. Things that my mom couldn't afford to give me.

  Calvin picked up his dingy, worn out wallet from the wooden dresser and retrieved five crisp twenty-dollar bills. He walked over to where I stood. “Can I get a kiss first?” I could smell his tart breath.

  I held out my hand and rolled my pear shaped, dark brown eyes, not trying to mask my disgust. “I don't have time for this. Give me the money before I miss my bus.”

  Calvin handed me the money, but tried to sneak a kiss. Before his lips could land on mine, I turned and they landed on my chestnut brown cheek. I rushed to get away from him. I heard Calvin laugh from their bedroom doorway.

  I grabbed my backpack off the floor and headed straight out the front door, bumping right into my mom. My mom worked the graveyard shift at least once a month at Dallas Metro Hospital. That’s when Calvin seemed to make his way to my room. He continued to violate me and I continued to remain silent because at this point, I felt as if it really didn't matter. No need to try to go against Joyce Washington. What she wanted, she got. Not knowing that I was paying the price for her decision to move her boyfriend in the house with us. She gave Calvin free reign of our household. At first, I was docile because I feared whippings. I still didn't want to obey Calvin and after getting so many whippings, I became immune to the pain. My mom figured that whipping me wasn't doing any good, so she finally stopped. It didn't stop her from fussing though.

  I wished my mom would have dug a little deeper and realized why I disobeyed instead of jumping to the wrong conclusions, thinking I was just a mischievous child.

  “Girl, you better hurry up and catch your bus because I'm too tired to drive you to school,” Joyce snapped.

  “I'm going, Mama.” I walked down the apartment hallway that was filled with gang-affiliated graffiti.

  I couldn't wait to graduate from Booker T. Washington so I could get away from Calvin and if truth be told, my mom too. Don't get me wrong, I love my mama, but sometimes she makes me so mad because how could she not see that her so-called perfect man was messing with me, her own daughter.

  My pace slowed as I continued towards the bus stop. My mind drifted back to when my live-in nightmare all started. It was almost like a movie. Like I was watching on screen at the theatres as it happened to someone else, but it all happened to me.

  Five years earlier...

  “You know I love you, right,” Calvin said as he got closer to me with his whiskey smelling breath.

  My mom had been dating Calvin for less than a year. My mom trusted him enough to have him keep me while she was at work. But once he moved in, the kissing and touching started. I knew what he was doing wasn't right, but after every encounter, he assured me that he wouldn't do it again, but he would. He asked me not to tell my mama because she wouldn't understand. He made sure he gave me a dollar and candy after every encounter. Sadly, my silence would cost me. If I told my mom about the kissing and rubbing, then maybe, just maybe the horror that was about to occur wouldn't have happened.

  Words escaped me, so I stayed silent. The moment Calvin's hands touched my body, I tensed up. That seemed to infuriate him. Instead of the sweet kind words he would usually whisper to me. He spouted out words that sent chills through my ten-year-old body.

  “Don’t fight me on this Sade, because if you do, I will hurt you.” The thirty-year-old six
feet Calvin said as he stood over me.

  The evil look in Calvin's cold black eyes put fear in my heart. I couldn't lose my mom. If I did, I would be all alone. I’d already lost my dad. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my mom too. My eyes bucked as I watched in horror Calvin unzipping his pants. I had never seen a man naked and the sight of Calvin's private part made me nauseous.

  I had to get away, so I shot up in the bed and attempted to get up from under him. Calvin pushed me back down on the twin size bed and in a calm voice said, “Calm down, baby girl. You're going to like it as much as I will.”

  “No, Calvin. Please don't do this. I don't want to do it.”

  “Shhh.” he said repeatedly as he used one of his hands to force open my legs. Tears flowed down my cheeks while Calvin planted kisses on my face like I was the love of his life instead of his girlfriend’s daughter. Terror filled my eyes when I felt Calvin ripping off my panties.

  I squirmed underneath him, but it only seemed to make Calvin more excited because he verbally expressed his pleasure, so I stopped. Believing Calvin would hurt my mom, instead of screaming for help, I closed my eyes, did my best to block out what was happening by counting as Calvin violated my young body. The pain was unbearable so I screamed out in agony.

  Would anyone hear my cries? Where was my mother? Why wasn't she home from work yet? Couldn’t the neighbors hear? I asked these questions as I endured the assault to my body by my mom's boyfriend. The smell of Calvin's cheap old man soap and cologne filled my nostrils. I almost gagged on my own vomit.

  Calvin finished his immoral act. With a sinister smile on his face, he said, barely above a whisper, “Not a word about this or I promise to kill you and your mama.” Then in the next breath, he sounded like he was a concerned lover, “Sorry it hurt. It won't hurt as much next time.”

  The next time. Please, don't let there be a next time. I couldn't bear to look at him. Instead of responding, I whimpered.

  Calvin kissed me on the forehead and rolled off the top of me. “That's a good girl. Remember, this little secret is between you and me. Joyce doesn't need to know.”

  My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. I held my breath not knowing what was going to happen next. Calvin turned around and said before leaving my bedroom, “Tomorrow, I'll see about getting you that doll you wanted.”

  I didn't want a doll. I wanted what happened to erase itself from my memory. Soon as I heard Calvin close the bedroom door, I exhaled. My body ached from the abuse. I could barely open my legs and I felt a puddle of fluid on my sheets. I laid there without moving for an undisclosed amount of time.

  The sound of my bedroom door opening caused my body to shiver. Please don't let it be Calvin coming back to do more damage, I said to myself. When I saw that it was my mother, I felt relieved.

  My mom stood in the doorway in her hospital uniform. Instead of coming to my rescue, she yelled, “Sade, what's that smell? Get your nasty ass up and wash your behind. It don't make no sense for a little girl to be this nasty.”

  “Mama, it's not what you think,” I said with tears running down my face not knowing exactly what to tell her.

  She walked near my bed and saw the blood on the sheets. “Why didn't you tell me you started your period?”

  “But, Mama…”

  “But Mama nothing. Get up and clean yourself up. I got some pads under the sink and when you finish taking a bath, go wash those bloody sheets.”

  My mom wasn't making this easy for me. I felt ashamed. I wanted to tell her the blood wasn't from my period, but from what Calvin had done to me. Fear stopped me from saying anything. Fear that Calvin would go through with his threat to harm my mom. I loved my mom and didn't want Calvin to hurt her, so I kept my mouth closed.

  But maybe, just maybe, if my mom could look into my eyes, she would sense something and notice the hint that something tragic had just occurred. My body tensed up as I attempted to sit up in the bed.

  “Girl, I don't have all day. Hurry up and get your bath so I can drop you off at school. I gotta come back and get me some sleep. You've been sleeping all night, while I've been on my feet cleaning behind sick people at the hospital.”

  I mustered up all the strength I could and got out of the bed. With the light now on, I knew my mom should see the pain in my eyes. Couldn't she see what my mouth couldn't say? Instead of showing compassion, the only look on my mom's face was a look of disgust as she turned up her nose at the funky smell that filled my small bedroom.

  “Hurry up, girl. I told you I don't have all day.” Without another word, Joyce headed out my bedroom door.

  I wrapped my robe around my body, obeyed my mother, and followed behind her. Calvin stood near the bathroom door in the hallway as if he had been listening to see if I had busted him. When my mom stopped and gave Calvin a peck on the lips, something inside of me screamed out in agony. How could my mom love such an evil man?

  I eased by them in the hallway and went straight to the bathroom as tears flowed down my cheek.

  Joyce said, “Girl, I don't know what's wrong with you this morning, but you need to hurry it up.”

  When I turned around in the direction of my mom's voice, I caught Calvin looking at me with his evil smile. He looked like the devil himself. I wished he would go away. I would never forget this day as long as I lived. My mom must have been blind. She acted like she didn't see the tears forming in my eyes. With me moving in slow motion, my mom didn't bother to ask me what was wrong. She was only concerned about hugging and kissing Calvin. How could she not know that her daughter had been violated in the worse way?

  On that day, my innocence had been stolen, but little did I know it was just the beginning of my nightmare. It would be three more years before my menstrual cycle started and for the past five years, I held a secret; a secret that I've kept from everyone, including my two best friends: Crystal Jackson and Dena Bradford.

  ~2~

  JOYCE

  Iwatched from the apartment doorway as my only child walked down the hall. If Sade turned around, she would have seen the love on my face, but she never did. Tired, I closed the door and headed straight to the bathroom to take a long, hot shower.

  As the water cascaded down my body, my mind thought back to happier times. Memories of Avery Washington, Sade's father, flashed in my mind. I couldn't help but smile as I thought about the love him and I shared. A love we shared that was so deep that only death could separate us. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I recalled that ill-fated day when a drunk driver stole from me the only man who truly loved me. On that day, a piece of me died, never to be resurrected. The little money I had saved went to bury my husband and at nineteen years old, I was now faced with raising a child by myself.

  At the time, I felt fortunate to find a job at one of the local hospitals. It wasn't my ideal job, but I would do anything to keep a roof on top of our heads. The government assistant I received was barely enough to keep diapers on Sade, let alone provide shelter, so I had no choice, but to find a job before we were homeless. Sadly, I had no family members to turn to. I rarely kept in touch with anyone and those that I did keep in contact with were all about themselves. Once I left Shreveport, Louisiana and moved to Dallas, Texas, it was like my family erased me from their memory. No one showed up for Avery's funeral to support me, even after I reached out to them. I knew then that I was in this world alone…my then nine-month old daughter and me.

  I dried off and kept reminiscing about the past. The sounds of Calvin's snoring from the bedroom snapped me back into the present as I stood there in the bedroom doorway. Calvin's well-toned chest heaved up and down as I stared at him for a few minutes.

  My head throbbed as I dealt with my own conflicting emotions. On one hand, I loved Calvin as much as I'm capable of loving a man after Avery, but on the other hand, sometimes the sight of him made me want to do him physical harm.

  Calvin started being a good man to Sade and me, but over the last six year
s, he worked less and less and drank more and more. Calvin's favorite past time seemed to be hustling and gambling. The money he hustled, he lost gambling so he still wasn't contributing to our household the way he should have. Don't get me wrong, when he won big, he splurged on Sade and me, but that wasn't enough for me. I liked it when he had a steady job. It helped relieve some of my stress. Sometimes it felt like I was taking care of two children instead of one.

  Funny how the thing that attracts you to a man can make you go crazy. Calvin's flawless complexion, ebony eyes, and baldhead made women drool. I knew women found him attractive, but since he was with me, I tried not to trip on the fact. Watching Calvin's well-toned body automatically made me look at my own. Calvin reminded me repeatedly about my aging and expanding body. I didn't need him to tell me that I was getting older and fatter. My tight fit clothes reminded me every day that I was packing on more pounds.

  Every time Calvin would say, “Joyce, baby, I love you just the way you are, but you know a lot of men don't like their women fat,” I would find myself believing his crap and stayed with him in spite of some of my reservations. Something about being alone frightened me.

  I knew what Calvin was spitting was bull because my two close friends were several sizes larger than me and had no problems finding men who were attracted to their voluptuous bodies. If truth be told, men were always staring at my plump behind. I smiled because I know if I didn't have some junk in my trunk, Calvin would have probably left me a long time ago.

  Prior to meeting Calvin six years ago, it was hard finding a man willing to commit to me when they found out I had a child. They were willing to wine and dine me, but when I mentioned my daughter, they usually made excuses of not wanting the responsibility of raising some other man’s child. Calvin was the only one who stayed around afterwards and that's one reason I have this strong allegiance to him. He accepted the fact that Sade and I were a package deal. Knowing that Calvin loved Sade was enough for me to stick it out through the good and bad times with him. Sade deserved a father figure in her life. I didn't have any control over what happened with her real father, but I did have a say so on what happened with Calvin. So regardless of the drama Calvin would sometimes put me through; I was determined to make it work with him.